Loss-Boosting
Remember that thing you missed out on, years ago, and how really awesome it was and what a bummer it is that you missed out on it? I suspect it wasn’t quite as sparkly as you remember. We have a...
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On Civilized Discourse
There are a lot of different essays and documents on having a civilized discussion with someone else. This is mine. I’ve updated a few things. It contains points that I most often forget and thus am...
View ArticleNot the Sum of the Parts
There’s this sense that people are composed of discrete emotional elements that can be easily separated and encapsulated if need be. When I write it that way, it seems pretty idiotic, but I see it time...
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How to Communicate
I have seen too many people get screwed by being unable to communicate (myself included). The usual pattern of events ends in something that can best be summarized by “I didn’t know what was going on.”...
View ArticleThe “Problem” With Love
The problem with love is this: love is wonderful, beautiful, terrifying, debilitating, painful, glorious, and a joy. The reason that’s such a problem is because people often mistake wonderful things,...
View ArticleThe Simple Guide to Relationships… or Why Love is Simpler Than You Think
Introduction Welcome to my half-assed manifesto. It’s a bit of a map of how I got to where I am, which is a place I happen to like. There’s an extremely slim chance you might find something interesting...
View Article“Creepy, doll.”
I’ve been experimenting with the word “creepy” and what it means.1 My current experiment is that we use “creepy” when we’re afraid to say “predatory.” Maybe it’s because we don’t want to offend...
View ArticleWith great power…
One of the fundamental dynamics of any romantic relationship is this: Where responsibility is uncoupled from control, nothing but mischief can happen. In other words, if you want to exert control over...
View ArticleCheck your system levels!
Here’s a quick and easy way to look at your relationships: check your System. Always have a sense of where the energy’s going in a relationship. That’s the one-sentence takeaway. The more detailed (but...
View ArticleThe Functional Aspect of Rules
In relationships, I often hear a lot about rules. In particular, I’m talking about multiple adult relationships, but feel free to extract what makes sense for you out of this if this doesn’t apply to...
View Article“Restrictive Sexuality”
I often use the term “restrictive sexuality” when referring to monogamy. This is deliberate. I’ve been told I’m being mean, judgmental, negative, and a variety of other things when I use the term...
View Article“You jelly?”
Jealousy is ultimately an act of soul-abuse. Jealousy represents what happens when we cannot think of ourselves as actual human beings with thoughts, emotions, and lives. It’s when we reduce ourselves...
View ArticleStep one…
Someone asked me if I had any advice for people who might be just starting out on a path that included multiple adult partners. Who knew? So, I gave it a go. Treat people as you would want to be...
View ArticleTat
“She knew the deal when she signed up.” You know how sometimes people in multipartner relationships say “Well, this person agreed to that kind of relationship dynamic when they signed on, so they have...
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Sweet-Talkin’
“How can I change my partner’s mind about multipartner relationships?” I think, roughly once a day, I see this question on a board or on a list or in a group somewhere. In my experience, when a person...
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